It's All Grief, Baby.
Ok, so that sounds a little flip. and to be fair, it’s an overgeneralization. It is, however, what pops into my head so often as I’m struck by the thread of grief that runs through so many seemingly unconnected struggles and events.
There is grief not only in death, but in the loss of what we assume the world to be when we experience a trauma, loss of trust, loss of safety, in betrayal by a spouse or friend, in the “this isn’t what I expected” of new parenthood or a new marriage, in the loss of ourselves as we were following a medical diagnosis. There can even be an element of grief in the transitions in life that hold a bittersweet quality- the babies going off to school, the children turning into teenagers, the empty nest, the new move, the new chapter, the BIG birthday. It’s all grief, baby.
In all of these, grief cannot be ignored. In fact, the pushing away of it, the minimizing of it, only serves to demand more and more of our energy. Kind of like trying to keep a beach ball submerged under water. You take your hand off it for a second, don’t have the right angle on it, and it pops to the surface. That takes a lot of energy, sometimes more than just holding it, letting it be.
Our culture does a fantastic job of pushing down that beach ball. “At least…” “Well, you still have…” “They’re in a better place.” “Stay busy.” “Oh, they grow so fast, enjoy every minute.” **Insert smile and half-hug here.** Have you ever asked a cashier at the store “No, really, how are you really doing?” It’s an awkward social experiment, but it will show you we really don’t generally make space for our truth in the day to day. and it’s kind of exhausting.
Can you make space? Do you have someone who can sit with you in your truth? Therapy can be a place to say the unsayable, feel the unfeelable (is that a word? It is now.). Practice being with our grief so that we learn how to hold it. A support group can also be a great place to be with other people who get it in the way that only other people who are carrying the same grief get it. In the day to day, pausing just a moment to acknowledge, “this is hard,” “I’m sad,” “I know I’m supposed to be enjoying this, but I’m just not right now,” can be a powerful first step toward a lightening of the weight of it.
A little further? A ritual can be a powerful acknowledgement, just for ourselves or with others, too. Light a candle, write a letter, send a letter/don’t send a letter, rip up a letter, make a photo album, get a tattoo/have a tattoo removed, become an advocate, frame a picture of the house, start a new tradition.
Our culture tells us “chin up,” but it is in the acknowledgement of the grief and holding a little space for the grief that we can truly begin to find a little more peace and authenticity.
Here’s me, holding a little space for you.
-Kelly